Not knowing

This past week, I received an email from one of my old college friends, Aaron. Aaron, and his wife, Grete, are two of my favorite people. They are the kind of people who seemed super wise even when they were young – do you know what I mean? In college, I remember Aaron and Grete being regularly sought out for advice and guidance even when they were 20-year-old college students. 

Nowadays, Aaron has a podcast that explores “the intersection of faith, service, philanthropy, and community” – which is the reason he reached out to me. He asked if I would be willing to be a guest on an upcoming episode to “talk about Motivo, the importance of mental health, and share my faith journey.”

When I read the email, I thought…

Talk about Motivo – check.

Talk about the importance of mental health – check, check.

Share my faith journey….hmmm….not sure about that one.

I’m guessing I’m not the only person in our Motivo community that has a bit of a complicated relationship with faith and religion. I’ve always hesitated to mention spirituality in Mondays with Motivo – because I realize how divisive a conversation about faith can be.

However, I also realize that, for many, faith is a significant part of how they define themselves and how they view the world around them. Further, faith is often a key aspect of a person’s culture, heritage, and family of origin.

For me, faith was a very important part of my upbringing. I was raised in a Christian home where we went to church three times a week and prayed at every meal. I went to a Christian high school where I won the award for Best Christian Character (yes, they gave out an award for this), and I went to a Christian college where I was the co-chair of campus ministry. Basically, if Jeopardy were all bible categories – I’d be Ken Jennings.

Faith was a big part of my life growing up, and it shaped a lot of who I am today. However, during my coming of age years, I began to question many (or most) aspects of my faith. In recent years, I’ve had a lot of anger and frustration toward the mainstream Christian church that, in my opinion, does not adequately enact the core teachings foundational to the belief system – such as inclusion, acceptance, and love without condition. 

Hopefully this gives a bit of context to why I was hesitant when Aaron asked if I could speak about my faith journey. I told Aaron that, today, the best way I could describe my faith is “not knowing.” I would define “not knowing” as a place of continuous learning and evolving with no intent or desire to arrive at a definitive view point.

When I was growing up, I was certain about a lot of things but, now, I feel certain about almost nothing. And I kinda like it this way. Not knowing works well for me and provides me with a kind of openness that I find healthy.

A stance of not knowing has served me in other areas of my life as well. When I started Motivo, I knew nothing about entrepreneurship, technology, or startups. Not knowing allowed me to take the position of asking a lot of questions, seeking a ton of advice, trying something out, often failing, and trying again. Today, not knowing keeps me curious about the needs of our supervisors and supervisees, and helps me remember to ask, instead of assume.

I no longer see clients, but when I did, not knowing served me well as a clinician. It allowed me to approach my clients and supervisees with curiosity, openness, and as a seeker of their story and their truth.

I’m curious, does the idea of not knowing resonate with you? How has this concept shown up in your life and work? If you have anything you’d like to share, I’d love to hear it!